J1. A SPEEDING WOMAN.
A woman is stopped by an officer for driving way above the speed limit. She was sure that she is in serious trouble. The officer approaches her and ask:
Officer: “Can I have your driver’s licence ma’am?”
Woman: “I am sorry officer, but I don’t have a licence. It was withdrawn a year ago due to drunken driving.”
Officer: “ Can I have registration papers for your car?”
Woman: “Sorry Officer. I don’t have them.”
Officer: ” Why don’t you have them?”
Woman: “ Because I have stolen the car and I killed the owner and hacked him to pieces. His body is in the boot/trunk at the back in a rubbish bin bag. You can check if you want to.”
The officer carefully pulled out his firearm, pointed it towards the woman and stepped back to his car. He picked up the radio and called for back-up. Within minutes there were five police vehicles surrounding the woman and guns pointing at her. A senior officer using a loud hailer ordered her to step out of her car with hands over her head. He carefully approached her with his firearm ready to shoot at any wrong move. When he reached her, he asked her; “Can I have your driver’s licence ma’am? “ She carefully reached for her handbag and produced the licence. Stunned, the officer asked her: “Can I have the registration papers for the vehicle?’ Again she reached for her handbag and produced valid registration papers. The senior officer was surprised and he said; “Can I search your vehicle?” She agreed . He searched the vehicle and there was nothing except for an empty boot/trunk.
Senior Officer now relaxing: “But one of my officers told me that you don’t have a licence, and no registration papers for the vehicle and you have robbed the vehicle and killed the owner and chopped him to pieces and put him in the trunk of the vehicle?”
Woman: ” I guess the lying bastard also told you that I was speeding?”
Senior Officer: “We are very sorry ma’am. You can go.”
J2. Husband and Wife Go for Marriage Counselling...
Upon their arrival at the marriage counselor’s office, the male counselor ask them what the problem is. The wife responds by listing every single problem they ever had since they were married. She says that her husband has been neglecting her, there is no intimacy, her life is empty because of him, she feels lonely and unloved. The husband just sits there quietly.
After allowing her to carry on with her complaint, the therapist stands up, walks around and asks her to stand up. He puts his arms around her and begins to kiss her passionately for a long time as her husband watches them in great surprise. The woman keeps quiet and sits down next to her husband.
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The therapist turns to the husband and says; “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?” The husband responds; ‘ I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays, I won’t be able to as i have to go fishing”.
J 3. A GROUP OF POLITICIANS ON A BUS TOUR…
A group of politicians were on a bus tour in the countryside and were driving down a steep hill when the bus driver suddenly lost control of the bus and it veered off the road and crushed near a farm causing serious injuries.
It was a long way from the nearest town so it took hours before the police and emergency services could arrive on the scene, so the nearby farmer was the first to arrive on the scene. He observed the scene and went through the bodies thrown around the scene of accident and was asking himself what actually happened here. Some of the injured told him that they were politicians and had been touring the countryside when the bus crushed.
When there was no help arriving, the farmer went back to his homestead and brought back a TLB which he used to dig a huge hole. He carried all the bodies, placed them in the hole and buried them. When the police eventually arrived, they asked the farmer where all the people who were in the bus are. “I buried them”, the farmer answered. “Were there no survivors?”, the police wanted to know. “No”. The farmer replied, “Some said that they were still alive, but when they told me that they were politicians I didn’t believe that they were still alive, so I buried them as well “.
J4: THE WOMAN WITH A BABY—
A woman got into a fully loaded bus on her way to town. She was carrying a baby in her arms. As she got in, there were two women seated at the front of the bus next to the entrance. One of the women said to her companion: “Look how ugly that baby is”. “Sjoe, it is so ugly it looks like a monkey” , the second woman said. The mother was so angry at the impudence of these two women that she wanted to burst. But anyways, she controlled her anger and went to find a seat. She found one in the middle of the bus, next to another woman. She sat down and the woman greeted her in a friendly voice. The mother said “you can’t believe what just happened to me. Those two women at the front are so rude I think I need to teach them a lesson.” She said this as she was standing up to go to the front still carrying her baby. The other woman said: ” i agree with you. If they were rude to you, I think you need to teach them some manners. Give me that monkey of yours let me carry it for you while you go for them”. The mother just lost all the energy that she had left and she sat down and kept quiet for the rest of the journey.